Question:

I am getting married in the fall of 2009. My friends and my mother's friends all want to have showers for me. What is the proper number when it comes to showers?

Katie

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Dear Katie,

I send my best wishes on your engagement. What a busy and special year you have ahead of you!

The first thing to remember is that a bridal shower is a wonderful gift to you by personal and family friends. No one should be invited to a shower that is not on your guest list. Therefore, the wedding guest list will help determine the number of showers you may have. Please remember to be considerate and not tax your close friends with multiple invitations. If you wish to have your wedding attendants, family and very close friends at more than one shower, encourage them NOT to bring gifts. "Their presence is their present." It is said by many wedding professionals that two or three showers is the maximum. I would advise you to let your conscience and guest list be your guide.

Enjoy!

Ms. Carey

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Question:

My husband and I were married by our pastor in our church 10/3/08 in the presence of two non-family witnesses. My family is all out-of-town, so we didn't allow any family. (We wanted to go ahead and get married and my folks couldn't make it to town.) Now we want to have a church ceremony, reception in April to include all of our family and friends. We're leaning towards very simple...no "wedding" dress, bridal party, first dance, bouquet toss, sheet cake instead of wedding cake...does this sound appropriate? I guess it would be more of a renewal of vows. We're thinking an 11am wedding and a catered lunch in the fellowship hall. Nice, but not formal. The biggest struggle now is what kind of announcement/invitation do we send out? Can we send out a combo to tell folks we got married, and we're having a ceremony/reception that we'd love for them to attend? Is there an invitation from American Wedding that you would recommend for this scenario?

Thanks in advance for your time!!!!
Shannon

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Shannon,

First of all, my best wishes to you on your recent marriage. Renewing your vows in April with family and friends in attendance is a very special gesture. I am sure your family & friends will really appreciate this.

I think you can send out an invitation stating when & where you were married in October and inviting family & friends to your "renewal of vows and celebration luncheon."

I might say:

Shannon and husband's name request the honor of your presence at the renewal of their marriage (wedding) vows Saturday, the (date) of April Two thousand and nine Eleven o'clock in the morning Church's Name Address (optional) City, State Luncheon Reception immediately following the ceremony Fellowship Hall

The info listed below is optional and should probably be in a smaller font size if included.

Shannon & husband's (first & last name) were married on the third of October Two thousand and eight City, State

The American Wedding has many invitations that would be perfect for this occasion. I think you can choose whatever style you wish. This is still a wedding ceremony and reception. My only advice is to be sure that the invitation reflects the tone of the wedding and reception. I would choose something simple that reflects you and your husband's personality. You do not need a reception card since the reception is in the church's fellowship hall. Since your luncheon is being catered, you will want a respond card so you can get an accurate head count.

I hope this information is helpful. If there is anything else I can do to help you with this special event, don't hesitate to ask.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

Who pays for the bridesmaids dresses?

Tammy

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Dear Tammy,

Traditionally, the bridesmaids and maid/matron of honor pay for their dresses. With this in mind, being considerate of their budgets is very important. If you find a dress you really love and it is expensive, maybe you can help pay for the dresses. This is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. However, this may not be in the cards so try to keep the dresses in a price range that is workable for your friends.

Another issue is the style of the dresses. Since everyone is not a size 6, selecting a dress that will look good on all your attendants is a monumental task. My daughter-in-law selected 3 styles in the same color/fabric from one manufacturer. She then let each of her attendants choose the style best suited to her specific body type. It really was very effective, and the girls were delighted to have a little choice.

Hopefully this will help you out. There may be some ups and downs, but it will be a wonderful event.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

We are planning an adult only reception, how do you tell you guests in the invitation? What is the proper wording, saying...?

Lillian

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Dear Lillian,

This is always a sticky situation when children are involved. Most etiquette experts agree that it is improper to say "no children" or "adult reception" on your wedding invitations. My son and daughter-in-law had the same issue last year. They were dealing with the Matron-of-Honor's baby and a good friend's toddler. There are several ways to get around this. We let family and friends know that we had a babysitter available for the children during the ceremony and reception. This let them know that the kids were not included at the event, but we hoped this would help them out. It worked like a charm! This approach is especially helpful when you have out of town family and friends. You can also let it be known by word of mouth that children are not invited. The groom's mother can let her side of the family know, and you or your mother can advise your side. By personally informing your guests in advance of the game plan, you can head off this issue before it becomes a full blown problem. Hopefully, your friends and family know that ONLY the people whose names appear on the inner envelope of the invitation are invited. Here are a few examples of what I mean and how to address the inner envelopes:

Mr. and Mrs. Jones Mr. Jones Ms. Anderson (his date) Mr. Jones and Guest (if you don't know her name) Mr. and Mrs. Jones Sarah and Billy (when the children are invited)

or

Mr. and Mrs. Jones Miss Sarah Jones Master Billy Jones (young boy)

I hope this helps you out and send my best wishes for a wonderful wedding.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

Can I still honor my father in the wording on my invitations even though he is deceased? (My mother is not remarried).

Joanne

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Dear Joanne,

What a wonderful thought. When I got married, my mother was deceased, so only my father's name was on the invitation. Traditionally, deceased parents are not listed on the invitation but remembered in the program.

Several years ago, the exact situation came up with a customer in my stationery store. I did some research and found that "Emily Post's Etiquette" by Peggy Post offered interesting wording for such situations. Since then, I have always suggested this as an option for remembering a deceased parent. Here is an example:

Mary Catherine Williams daughter of Mrs. Christopher Williams and the late Mr. Williams and Thomas Scott Carson son of Mr. and Mrs. Scott Carson request the honour of your presence ...

It is improper to have your mother and late father issuing an invitation (ie. Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Williams). Therefore, the above wording is necessary.

Otherwise, you could use the following wording and have the minister remember your father during the wedding service and honor him in your program.

Mrs. Christopher Williams requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter Mary Catherine to ...

In my opinion, either is a very good solution. You just need to choose the one that makes you feel good. Have a wonderful wedding.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

Here is a little bit of background:

We have both been married before. Myself it has been over 21 years and for him its been over 25 years so we basically want to thank everyone for being there for us over the years. We want a simple wedding but with class/taste. It was suppose to be small but the list keeps growing.

We are having the wedding at an outdoor chapel and the reception at a Club that he belongs too. Is it proper etiquette that we invite our family and inner circle to the church and at the start of the reception or at some point or maybe at the same time invite the other guests to the reception?

I would appreciate your thoughts and comments.

Thank you
Karen

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Karen,

First and foremost, please accept my best wishes on your upcoming marriage.

Your wedding plans sound lovely. My suggestion would be to send everyone an invitation to the reception. Enclose a handwritten or printed note to your family and your inner circle of friends inviting them to be present at the wedding ceremony. Here is an example of such a note:

Dear Mary and Scott,

On Saturday, November 16th, Bill and I are being married at (name of chapel and location). Since we want to be surrounded by loved ones, we are only inviting our family and our dearest friends to the ceremony.

You will be receiving an invitation to the reception in the near future. We hope you can join us.

Love,
Karen

I think that your plans sound great and will be very tasteful.

I hope I have helped you out. If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

We are a middle aged couple in no need of gifts to get started. We would like our guests to bring non-perishable food for our local food pantry instead. How can we get the word out? Would an enclosure in the invites be tacky?

Kathy

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Kathy,

What a wonderful idea! Traditional wedding etiquette suggests that references to gifts, no gifts, etc. should not appear on or with an invitation. I always recommend that you let family, close friends, the wedding party, etc. know of your wishes and "get the word out" in that way.

If you feel this chain of communication would not work, then a tasteful enclosure stating that: Your presence is our gift. On such an enclosure, you can mention that a donation of food to the local food pantry would be a wonderful blessing for the needy. While this would not receive the official "stamp of approval" etiquette-wise, it would register very high on the generosity and selflessness meter.

I send all my best wishes for a wonderful life together.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

Is it proper etiquette when engaging a woman with children to give them some sort of gift when getting engaged?

Craig

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Craig,

Congratulations on your engagement!

I think it would be a nice gesture to give each child something small but meaningful. I would not spend a great deal of money, as you will be setting a precedent. Another thing that you could do is arrange to do something special with each child individually (lunch, movie, trip to the park, etc.) A gift of your time would be the BEST gift as it says to the child that you want to get to know them better. Of course, all of these suggestions may need to be modified according to the child's age and interests.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

Our reception is going to be on a military base and we have to have the drivers license # and state along with date of birth for all attending adults how would we word that on a inclosure card?

Crystal

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Crystal,

First of all, I send my best wishes for a wonderful wedding.

I would gather this information on your Respond Card. Below is an example of respond card wording to use:
The favor of a reply is requested by (Date)
M____________________________
Accepts ___           Declines ___

Since the reception is at (Name of Military Base), the (Branch of Service) requests
the birth dates of all attending and the license plate number of the car being driven.
Birthdates ______________________________    License Plate ______________

As this is a government requirement, I feel you need to spell it out for your guests. I know that this is a lot of information for the respond card. If you are unable to select a card that will accomodate all this copy, you could enclose another insert card with this information, but I feel it belongs with the response information.

I hope this helps you out. Thank you for asking Everyday Etiquette and please do not hesitate to contact me with any other questions.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

What is the correct way to have My mom, My stepdad and My dad on the invitation?

Should it be...
Mr. and Mrs. Jones and Mr. Helwig

S.

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Before I begin, who is hosting (paying for) the wedding? The hosts are the ones who do the inviting. If your mother and stepfather and you natural father are all contributing, then you would say the following:

Mr. and Mrs. John William Jones
Mr. James Allen Helwig
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
...

Please note that I did not include the word "daughter" due to the fact that you have stepparents involved. Optionally, you could use the word "and" between lines 1 & 2. When there are multiple sets of parents involved in the wedding, another wording has become quite popular as it is all-inclusive.

Together with their parents,
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage
...

Ms. Carey

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Question:

Is it okay to invite more people to the reception than to the wedding? I am just not sure how to handle this. Thank you for your assistance.

Susan

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

Susan,

Of course, you may invite more people to the reception than the wedding. If this is your situation, then I recommend that the main invitation (larger card) be the Wedding Reception Invitation. What would be the Reception Card (smaller accessory card) becomes the invitation to the ceremony. Therefore, if you are inviting 100 people to the reception, you send them the larger invitations with the wedding reception information and only enclose the smaller card in the invitations to the 25 or 50 people that you want at the marriage ceremony.

I hope this answers your question. Thank you for asking Everyday Etiquette.

Have a wonderful wedding!

Ms. Carey

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Question:

I'm confused as to who all gets invited to the rehearsal dinner. I was planning on just having those involved in the wedding and their spouses but now I've been told that I should invite any out of town guests as well. Please help!

D.

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

The rehearsal dinner guest list can vary. Some rehearsal dinners are like junior weddings. Things can really get out of hand. Traditional etiquette says the guest list should include the wedding party and their spouses / partners and the close family of both the bride and groom. If you have enough room, it is nice to include the officiant (clergy) and his or her spouse. You are not required to invite all the out of town guests. However, this is a nice thing to do.

Traditionally, this is the groom's parents party, so they can call the shots. However, I recommend keeping the bride and her mother in the loop. There is one cardinal rule when planning the party ... it should never be grander than the wedding and should have a totally different feel than the reception the next day.

More important than anything, enjoy the wedding experience. It is unbelievable and just flies by.

Ms. Carey

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Question:

We are sending wedding announcements after our destination wedding. We are also adding a card with our At Home Address. When we stuff the envelope should we place the tissue on top of everything or between the announcement and the At Home card?

The Everyday Etiquette Answer:

First of all, I send my congratulations on your marriage.

Let me give you a little history of the tissue. Long ago the tissue was placed on top of the wedding invitation to keep traditional engraving from smearing. Today, the tissues are used only for an effect. They serve no real purpose with today's printing techniques. If you choose to use the tissue, it is placed directly on top of the announcement, with the At Home card placed on top of the tissue.

I hope this helps you out. Thank you for asking Everyday Etiquette.

Ms. Carey

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