Most articles you read are all about how to be the best at something; the most gracious hostess/host, the best dressed, the most supportive bridesmaid/groomsman. That can get boring after awhile, so, I’ve decided to write a series of articles about how to be the absolute worst at something with the hope that you will learn what not to do – and thereafter, be the best.
This article focuses on the top 6 ways you can be the worst future mother in law and is loosely based on actual wedding nightmares read on the web.
6. If asked, refuse to go dress shopping with the bride. After all, she’s not your daughter yet (if ever) and shopping for a wedding dress is something that you would only do with your own daughter. Feel justified because she’ll probably pick out something horrible anyways.
5. Wait until the last possible second to give your invitee wish list to the couple. Make sure there are at least 100 people on it even though you know that the couple have their hearts set on a small, intimate wedding. Insist on including people you haven’t seen in decades, like Greta, your fourth cousin twice removed, you wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings after all, she is such a close family member.
4. Insist that they have a wedding just like your own. Wax poetic about how it was the best wedding and that it could never, ever -ever- be outdone. Honestly, how can you improve upon perfection? If the couple politely declines your suggestions, promptly withhold all monetary support until they see the error of their ways.
3. Invite former girlfriends/boyfriends to the wedding without the consent of the bride or groom. These former loves are still very near and dear to your heart after all these years, and you don’t see why any reasonable person would have an issue with them joining you in your misery on the dreaded wedding day.
2. Remind your child that they can do so much better than their fiance. Reminisce about the one that “got away”, wonder aloud what happened to them and where they are now? Graciously offer to look up their “long lost love” to arrange a date. You’re feeling generous with all of the money you’re saving from #4 above, so you offer to pay for their romp down memory lane.
1. For your wedding speech, highlight the many ways in which the person marrying your child is so lucky to be marrying “up” and gaining a respectable family. Ramble on about how this imposter made quite the catch and remind them that they should feel pretty proud about how they reeled your unsuspecting child into the trap of marriage. Offer to pay for an annulment once the marriage crumbles, because you know it eventually will. Mother knows best, after all.
Now, where has that third bottle of wine gone?